New Beginning? .. yet again.

So today I decided to delete all the bullsh-t I've written here in the past and start off fresh. Seems like I always need a new start at something, smh. Yesterday was New Years and lemme tell you, it was a horrible day. My morning began terrible but then I left to the mall with my mom and things seemed to be getting better. I stayed home alone with the parents and when the clock struck 12 it felt likes things were getting better again until I got violated.. second year in a row that I get violated around New Years time. Guess I'm cursed, huh? Well that had be pretty bumbed out all night and all day today. I want to express myself so badly and I just don't know who to go to. I feel like no one can possibly understand what I'm feeling.. I always wanna handle things on my own and it's literally killing me in the inside but thats just how its gonna be til I find that ONE person I could trust with my heart & soul. A right now, no one fits in that category. In 2011, I want what everyone and their mother wants.. HAPPINESS. Its such a cliche but its true. I wanna find happiness within myself. Why I can't do that is behind me. I find it so difficult and I guess I try to find MY happiness in others which is not going to get me anywhere. For once I want to be happy.. I want to share my happiness with my friends (the few that I have), my family and my loved ones. Everyday, in front of everyone, I put a front up. I make myself seem like theres nothing wrong with me.. like my life couldn't get any better. I have ppl come up to me and tell me what a "wonderful girl" I am, how sweet and caring I am towards others, how I'm a responsible individual.. hearing all of these things just saddens me. Saddens me to the point of tears. If only you knew. If only you knew the truth and the things I have to put up with. But of course, theres always those ppl who have an idea but could careless. I don't blame them. For MONTHS now I've been trying to act like everyone else. I want to not give a F*CK about anyone but myself but I'm too soft.. I can't do that. My heart won't let me be selfish like that. And thats aside from my pride. When my pride gets involved in a situation my pride will win hands down, no questions asked. So in this year thats what I want.. happiness within me. Where I find it and how I find it are the questions I have to start asking myself. I'm gonna do it though, believe you me. I think I feel like this sometimes cus of the people I'm surrounded by.. which brings me to another point, I can't wait til this school year ends. Til that day I graduate and begin my life as a college student. I yet to know which college I'm going to but I'll leave that in God's hands. I think that's all I have to say for now. I'll be sure to get back on this as soon as I can.

P.S. I'm starting to believe that nice people actually do finish last..
"Behind her smile is a story she'll always keep to herself."