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As long as you love me I'll stay by your side. I'll be your companion, your friend and guide.. as long as you love me. As long as you care I'll do anything for you, I'll go anywhere. I'll bring you the sunshine. I'll comfort your fears. I'll gather up rainbows to chase all your tears. As long as forever my love will be true. For as long as you love me.. I'll only love YOU.

New Beginning? .. yet again.

So today I decided to delete all the bullsh-t I've written here in the past and start off fresh. Seems like I always need a new start at something, smh. Yesterday was New Years and lemme tell you, it was a horrible day. My morning began terrible but then I left to the mall with my mom and things seemed to be getting better. I stayed home alone with the parents and when the clock struck 12 it felt likes things were getting better again until I got violated.. second year in a row that I get violated around New Years time. Guess I'm cursed, huh? Well that had be pretty bumbed out all night and all day today. I want to express myself so badly and I just don't know who to go to. I feel like no one can possibly understand what I'm feeling.. I always wanna handle things on my own and it's literally killing me in the inside but thats just how its gonna be til I find that ONE person I could trust with my heart & soul. A right now, no one fits in that category. In 2011, I want what everyone and their mother wants.. HAPPINESS. Its such a cliche but its true. I wanna find happiness within myself. Why I can't do that is behind me. I find it so difficult and I guess I try to find MY happiness in others which is not going to get me anywhere. For once I want to be happy.. I want to share my happiness with my friends (the few that I have), my family and my loved ones. Everyday, in front of everyone, I put a front up. I make myself seem like theres nothing wrong with me.. like my life couldn't get any better. I have ppl come up to me and tell me what a "wonderful girl" I am, how sweet and caring I am towards others, how I'm a responsible individual.. hearing all of these things just saddens me. Saddens me to the point of tears. If only you knew. If only you knew the truth and the things I have to put up with. But of course, theres always those ppl who have an idea but could careless. I don't blame them. For MONTHS now I've been trying to act like everyone else. I want to not give a F*CK about anyone but myself but I'm too soft.. I can't do that. My heart won't let me be selfish like that. And thats aside from my pride. When my pride gets involved in a situation my pride will win hands down, no questions asked. So in this year thats what I want.. happiness within me. Where I find it and how I find it are the questions I have to start asking myself. I'm gonna do it though, believe you me. I think I feel like this sometimes cus of the people I'm surrounded by.. which brings me to another point, I can't wait til this school year ends. Til that day I graduate and begin my life as a college student. I yet to know which college I'm going to but I'll leave that in God's hands. I think that's all I have to say for now. I'll be sure to get back on this as soon as I can.

P.S. I'm starting to believe that nice people actually do finish last..
"Behind her smile is a story she'll always keep to herself."