I'm proud of my heart. It's been played, burned, and broken, but it still works :)..

I'm bored on this Sunday night so I decided to get on this thing and read what I've written in the past. I noticed that the last time I wrote was during New Years and boy, have I come such a long way from then. I'm so proud of myself, seriously. I read NOW and I don't even know why I acted the way I did back then. Well, I lie, I do know why but I'm so glad I got over it. All of that anger, the grudges.. everything was destroying me inside little by little. By forgiving everyone else, I also forgave myself. I remember so many people telling me to do this for months and I just wouldn't listen, I guess I'm that hard-headed. But hey, everyone learns in their own way. I've realized so much in the last couple of months. I've realized who my TRUE friends are, even though that sounds cliche-ish, I've realized that NO ONE can make me feel inferior without my consent (I remember I loved that line in 'The Princess Diaries' :]) But anyway I got rid of the people who don't deserve to be in my life and let a couple stay in it, just to save some drama. I've been feeling quite good lately. I don't know what it is. :) .. I see everything from a different perspective now and I love it. I love my new rule in life, which is NOT to hold any grudges. I may get angry at people every once in a while but I'll live. Why should I be miserbale while everyone else is living their life happily? Does that make any sense? Do I really deserve that? NOPPEE! So Vanessa is gonna live for Vanessa :] .. I also remember I would talk a whole lot of crap about wanting to leave ACLA but now that graduation is getting closer by the ending of each day I sorta don't want to leave. ACLAs been my home for so long and I don't know how I'm just gonna leave it all behind but yeah.. you gotta grow up some time, right? I'm pretty ecstatic for college to begin, even though I don't know what college I'll be attending yet. But I know God is gonna point me towards the right direction. I just need to be patient. Thats one thing I'm trying to master, patience. I've been patient with a lot of things lately and everything has been going well *knocks on wood 3 times. I hope it continues this way :) I'm also talking to someone who I care SOO much for, I talk to this kid every day and I swear we NEVER have a dull moment.. ever lol I have so much love for him<3 .. He always has me smiling or laughing. Hes always there for me when I need him the most. I haven't felt this way in such a long time. I told myself I wasn't gonna let this happen again, but it was so inevitable cus he's such a sweetheart :)<3 .. I'd be lying if I said he doesn't make me happy.. this really came out of no where too but everything happens for a reason. I know theres a reason all this is happening all of a sudden, and I promise you if this is something I really want and its something I've been waiting for, I won't let it pass me by .. but yeah, I think thats all I had to get off my chest for now.. my phones right next to me and its blinking PURPLE so I gotta attend to that asap ;)<3 .. til later my loves<3.

<|3

As long as you love me I'll stay by your side. I'll be your companion, your friend and guide.. as long as you love me. As long as you care I'll do anything for you, I'll go anywhere. I'll bring you the sunshine. I'll comfort your fears. I'll gather up rainbows to chase all your tears. As long as forever my love will be true. For as long as you love me.. I'll only love YOU.

New Beginning? .. yet again.

So today I decided to delete all the bullsh-t I've written here in the past and start off fresh. Seems like I always need a new start at something, smh. Yesterday was New Years and lemme tell you, it was a horrible day. My morning began terrible but then I left to the mall with my mom and things seemed to be getting better. I stayed home alone with the parents and when the clock struck 12 it felt likes things were getting better again until I got violated.. second year in a row that I get violated around New Years time. Guess I'm cursed, huh? Well that had be pretty bumbed out all night and all day today. I want to express myself so badly and I just don't know who to go to. I feel like no one can possibly understand what I'm feeling.. I always wanna handle things on my own and it's literally killing me in the inside but thats just how its gonna be til I find that ONE person I could trust with my heart & soul. A right now, no one fits in that category. In 2011, I want what everyone and their mother wants.. HAPPINESS. Its such a cliche but its true. I wanna find happiness within myself. Why I can't do that is behind me. I find it so difficult and I guess I try to find MY happiness in others which is not going to get me anywhere. For once I want to be happy.. I want to share my happiness with my friends (the few that I have), my family and my loved ones. Everyday, in front of everyone, I put a front up. I make myself seem like theres nothing wrong with me.. like my life couldn't get any better. I have ppl come up to me and tell me what a "wonderful girl" I am, how sweet and caring I am towards others, how I'm a responsible individual.. hearing all of these things just saddens me. Saddens me to the point of tears. If only you knew. If only you knew the truth and the things I have to put up with. But of course, theres always those ppl who have an idea but could careless. I don't blame them. For MONTHS now I've been trying to act like everyone else. I want to not give a F*CK about anyone but myself but I'm too soft.. I can't do that. My heart won't let me be selfish like that. And thats aside from my pride. When my pride gets involved in a situation my pride will win hands down, no questions asked. So in this year thats what I want.. happiness within me. Where I find it and how I find it are the questions I have to start asking myself. I'm gonna do it though, believe you me. I think I feel like this sometimes cus of the people I'm surrounded by.. which brings me to another point, I can't wait til this school year ends. Til that day I graduate and begin my life as a college student. I yet to know which college I'm going to but I'll leave that in God's hands. I think that's all I have to say for now. I'll be sure to get back on this as soon as I can.

P.S. I'm starting to believe that nice people actually do finish last..
"Behind her smile is a story she'll always keep to herself."